A bigger Vision!

Sometimes we are inspired by friends in ways we never thought we would be. Until recently, my opinion of helping those in need was a little narrower than it is now. I used to think that it was kind of silly to spend so much time, money and effort in third world countries when we had SO MANY people in need here in our own communities. Then Jessica gave me a different view point on it, as did my Pastor. Jessica pointed out that even though we have homeless people, and hungry people, in general they are not starving to death here in America. Third world countries around the world have people starving to death, dying of disease from drinking the only water they have available AFTER they walked 5 miles a day to get to that contaminated water. They are living in conditions that we don’t even let our animals live in. In fact, most would give anything to have a “house” comparable to what my chickens live in.

My Pastor also shed some light on the subject recently. He compared our normal lifestyle here in the states to third world countries. Compared our salaries. Who am *I* to complain about my high electricity bill when there are people that are living in these poverty stricken countries? Especially considering that most people live on the same amount of money for a whole year that my family makes in less than a week, what we make in just a DAY in a lot of cases.

So my opinion has changed. Yes, we still have poor, homeless and orphaned kids here. Yes, there is still a need for outreach in our communities. However, our beautiful country has pretty decent opportunities for these less fortunate people to be clothed, fed and sheltered. Other countries do not. In fact, not only are they deprived of basic human needs, they are deprived of religious freedom.

I cannot say that I came up with this passion all on my own. In fact, I didn’t come up with it at all. With some help from a couple very important people in my life, I’ve come to realize that this world is bigger than me. Bigger than my country. Bigger than my selfishness.

While I wish I could be there to run (walk…..) the marathons that Jessica is preparing for with her to raise money for this cause, this baby on her way and logistics just wont let it happen. So I’m going to do what I can from here. Which (and try not to be completely surprised) is BAKING!

Jessica is involved in a fundraiser for poverty-stricken African communities. She is bribing…..er……enticing people to donate $10 to make her goal of $300 by January 16th with a dozen sugar cookies! I told her I would match her baking offer here locally in ID/UT!

So for the first 30 people to donate a minimum of $10, I will deliver a dozen sugar cookies OR a dozen cupcakes to you personally! If you would rather donate the cookies/cupcakes to a friend, hospital, coworker, etc, I would be more than happy to do that also!

I will put a couple links down at the bottom here. The top one will be for Jessica’s Team World Vision page to donate the $10 to. The others will be links to her blog about why this is important to her and then some other Team World Vision sites she has shared.

Please let me know if you have any questions!

Jessica's Team World Vision page. Donate HERE!

Jessica's Blog, New Realities!

World Vision Uganda Video

Cowgirls Don't Cry

Today on the way to preschool the song Cowgirls Don’t Cry came on the radio. Wade gets all excited when he hears two specific words in a song and makes a HUGE deal out of it. Those words are “Cowboy(girl)” or “Jesus”. If he hears either of them, he about comes out of his seat to tell me. Which is quite often, because we listen to country music and KLOVE all the time… So when he heard the lyrics today he says “Hey mom! He said “cowgirl”! He said they don’t cry!” I kinda laughed and said “usually”. Then he pipes up with, “It’s kinda like you mom. Kinda like you don’t cry AND you’re a cowgirl!” which was really ironic because it was right about then that the tears started running down my face!

I try really hard to keep my stress and fear out of sight of my boys. I’m so glad to hear straight from the babe’s mouth that I’m doing a pretty good job of it! But then I got thinking and I asked myself a question. My boys might not see my fears and frustrations. They might not see the tears. So what ARE they seeing? Not a question I wanted to answer honestly to myself. They’re not seeing joy and they’re not seeing faith, that much I know for sure. They’re seeing robotic actions of an overwhelmed mother instead of love and patience.

I‘ve finally come to realize that every time I start struggling with something it circles right around to not having enough faith. Me being the hardheaded person that I am keeps going back to the way I’ve always handled things and trying to fix things on my own instead of giving it up to God like I know I need to. Somehow I manage to be surprised every time it doesn’t work….imagine that. And yet I keep doing it.

If nothing else, at least I’m tenacious…

I need to learn how to dig deeper into my newly formed faith when I’m at my wits end. It’s hard though. REALLY hard. You would think that something so obvious and so promising would come so easy, like falling in love with a new pair of Luccese boots. But I’ve always been a stubborn creature of habit, and faith isn’t an exception. It’s been 20-something years of doing things my way and it’s not easy to buck this wagon out of it’s ruts. But that’s exactly what it is. Ruts of tears and frustration and pain that I get stuck in over and over. It’s not a happy place. It’s muddy down here, and there’s a lot of manure. (Wading through horse crap, you‘d think I‘d be used to it! Haha!) And I hit walls a lot. And I don’t mean just bump into them, I mean crash head on, tumbling head over heels and slam through a brick wall.

Apparently, I’m also enthusiastic with my tenacity.

The difference now is, I have babies to teach. They are learning their faith from me. The problem is, I don’t like to be stretched, challenged or pushed. Not in ways that makes me uncomfortable anyways and faith isn’t always comfortable. It’s not always easy and sometimes it actually hurts! It’s something crucial that I do for myself though, for my marriage and for my kids.

The enthusiastic tenacity needs to be redirected. Kind of like a toddler…

It’s so hard for me to stop the tears and keep the fears at bay. When I start to wig out about something, I try hard to tell myself to stop an pray but all I really want to do is throw something and scream real loud. Somehow I need to figure out how to have a heart so full of faith that there’s no room for the fears. That way I wont have to worry about the crazy mother my boys are seeing because if there’s no room for the fear then there's no cause for the tears and all that’s left is love! And, as Wade likes to believe, cowgirls don't cry anyways!

Just couldn't wait!!!

I really wanted to wait til my next ultrasound on the 15th to “announce” this, just to be sure. I really wanted to wait to send out the news on a Christmas card. But….well….I’ve never been really good at waiting! And Wade likes to tell everyone he sees what it is. Punk isn’t much help!

As it turns out, Wade’s prediction from the beginning was correct! The doctor says it looks like the boys are getting a baby sister!!

I’m still kind of in shock. I haven’t bought one single pink thing and I’m really not sure why! Even when I go look at baby stuff, I find myself gravitating to the baby boy section. Guess it’s just habit!

I do know that I get all choked up when I think about her. Years ago, when I found out I was pregnant with Wade, I wanted a boy SO BADLY so that any future girls of ours would have a big brother. Now this little girl will have TWO big brothers! And the thought of a baby girl with her daddy….oh boy….talk about getting sappy! I’m actually crying as I write this! LOL! I think it has a lot to do with my own dad being gone, and how I’ll get to see my daughter grow up ALL the way with her dad. Kind of live vicariously through her and watch her have the experiences I didn’t get to. She’s not even born yet, and I’m already thinking about how I’m going to be an emotional wreck when Chuck dances with her at her wedding. Or when he’s a Grandpa and holds his daughters first baby.

Don’t get me wrong, I love watching my boys with their dad. How they look like him, and act like him (well, I USUALLY like that part…) and talk like him. But there’s just something different with a Daddy and his little girl. If I know my husband, he is going to be putty in her hands too! He’s bad enough with the boys, but can you imagine the horses and ponies her and I are going to easily talk daddy into buying?

A very good friend of mine is a fabulous photographer, and is going to do what is called a Birth Story for me. Basically, she takes a billion pictures of the whole labor and delivery process. I’m SO excited for this, because she takes amazing pictures and I just love her to pieces! I think I will tell her “Take about five hundred thousand daddy-daughter pics!” LOL!

For all those wanting all the little details, the doctor’s exact words were “it looks awfully girly to me! Really flat there…..and three white lines there!”. I was as shocked at the three white lines as I was the two pink lines I saw months ago! Lol! I think the doctor was as excited about the gender as I was, because that’s the very first thing he checked, and actually almost forgot to measure her to see how far along I was! We had talked about how baby #3 is the one that pushes you over the edge. Like 2 kids is no big deal, but once you have 3, you might as well have 12! (My doc is awesomely funny, by the way! I just love him!) I told him that I can handle 3 kids, but 3 BOYS might just send me to the insane asylum! So I think he was pretty happy to tell me it looks like a girl!

When he got around to actually measuring her, she measured at 20-21 weeks. Not the 17 like I thought I was. Long story short, I wasn’t exactly sure when I got pregnant, but I *thought* it was AFTER my appendectomy this past summer. I guess it was right BEFORE the surgery, so it didn’t show up on the HCG test they did. But she looks healthy, and he calmed my fears about being pregnant during all that surgery crap. Said there’s nothing to worry about. I also discussed being induced with this one with him, because my babies are always in a hurry to come out and I live an hour and a half away from the hospital. My babies are also usually in SUCH a hurry, that they decide come out a week or two earlier than expected too. My technical due date is April 5th, but we’ll schedule and induced labor a couple weeks before then, just to be safe.

SO. The story is: Unless this midget grows new parts between now and the next ultrasound, our Whitley Makenna will join us some time around the end of March!

*Note: And equally sappy and crazy-emotional-pregnant-momma blog will be coming soon regarding the naming of our little girl!

Thanksgiving Proclamation

I came across this online the other day. I'd never read it before. I think our country forgets sometimes what we were founded on, and what this holiday is REALLY about!

1789-Written by William Jackson

WHEREAS it is the duty of all nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey His will, to be grateful for His benefits, and humbly to implore His protection and favour; and Whereas both Houses of Congress have, by their joint committee, reqeusted me "to recommend to the people of the United States a DAY OF PUBLIC THANKSGIVING and PRAYER, to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many and signal favors of Almighty God, especially by affording them an opportunity peaceably to establish a form of government for their safety and happiness:"

NOW THEREFORE, I do recommend and assign THURSDAY, the TWENTY-SIXTH DAY of NOVEMBER next, to be devoted by the people of these States to the service of that great and glorious Being who is the beneficent author of all the good that was, that is, or that will be; that we may then all unite in rendering unto Him our sincere and humble thanks for His kind care and protection of the people of this country previous to their becoming a nation; for the signal and manifold mercies and the favorable interpositions of His providence in the course and conclusion of the late war; for the great degree of tranquility, union, and plenty which we have since enjoyed;-- for the peaceable and rational manner in which we have been enabled to establish Constitutions of government for our safety and happiness, and particularly the national one now lately instituted;-- for the civil and religious liberty with which we are blessed, and the means we have of acquiring and diffusing useful knowledge;-- and, in general, for all the great and various favours which He has been pleased to confer upon us.

And also, that we may then unite in most humbly offering our prayers and supplications to the great Lord and Ruler of Nations and beseech Him to pardon our national and other transgressions;-- to enable us all, whether in public or private stations, to perform our several and relative duties properly and punctually; to render our National Government a blessing to all the people by constantly being a Government of wise, just, and constitutional laws, discreetly and faithfully executed and obeyed; to protect and guide all sovereigns and nations (especially such as have shewn kindness unto us); and to bless them with good governments, peace, and concord; to promote the knowledge and practice of true religion and virtue, and the increase of science among them and us; and, generally to grant unto all mankind such a degree of temporal prosperity as he alone knows to be best.

GIVEN under my hand, at the city of New-York, the third day of October, in the year of our Lord, one thousand seven hundred and eighty-nine.

George Washington

Nuclear prayers!

I’ve heard someone say that our prayers go up to God like wisps of smoke. I can’t remember who it was, but if it’s true, my prayers have been going up like nuclear mushroom clouds lately. It’s what I do when I’m scared or stressed, or just flat out don’t know what else to do. I pray. And all of those feelings have been pretty common recently.

Everyone has stress. Sometimes our stress outweighs our capability to cope. I try really REALLY hard to handle my stress gracefully, but sometimes it gets the better of me. Ok fine, a lot of the time it gets the better of me…. Generally, when I reach my boiling point, it has something to do with finances. I feel like I can handle just about any other stress I’ve had to deal with thus far in my life until it comes to money, or the lack thereof to be more precise. I just can’t deal with financial stress. It completely screws up my whole thought process for everything, and completely overwhelms me.

If you live anywhere near Idaho (or the United States for that matter…) you know the job market is pathetic. If you’re in construction, like my husband is, you know that particular industry is even worse than pathetic. At least the jobs at Chuck’s caliber and pay scale. Which is why he’s had to work out of state. But even then, the market still isn’t fantastic where he’s at so he’s constantly looking for bigger and better opportunities. Our goal is for him to eventually have a career with a company that has stability, longevity and will be the best for our family. We want to be able to live the lifestyle we want and be able to comfortably afford the big family we want and give our kids every opportunity they deserve. We realize that means we have to “chase the money”. We also realize that this means we probably wont be able to stay in Downey.

We’ve been extremely fortunate with the company Chuck is currently working with. He’s had the opportunity to gain the experience and confidence he needs, and build the resume to really go after the bigger and better. Which is exactly what he’s done! I have to say, I am pretty proud of his ambition!

So this is where my atomic bomb prayers come in. Chuck is headed to North Dakota this weekend to start a new job. A job that he negotiated a significant pay rate for. A job with security through the winter, which is a big deal in construction. He also has an interview in December with a county in Idaho. (Government jobs = security to us. Benefits, stability, longevity, good pay, no lay offs, etc. It’s been the big goal.) In my prayers I’ve been asking for guidance, for the most part. Chuck was having a hard time deciding on whether or not to change jobs right now, and I just didn’t know what to tell him. So I asked for guidance. To put us on the right path, whether it “felt right” to us or not. Even if it’s not one of the opportunities we see in front of us at the moment.

My personal issue with the job opportunities available to us now is that both of them mean we will eventually have to move. Whether it’s further north in Idaho or WAY further north to the arctic tundra of North Dakota. (Can you tell how excited I am about that idea?) On one hand, I’m terrified. I don’t want to be that far from everything I know. My family is here, my friends are here, my kids’ babysitter and preschool is here, my church that has been so very influential to me is here. But……on the other hand……(I’m gonna switch gears here for a second, bear with me!) My best friend and I have this thing about learning to listen to our guts. We’ve learned that our brains don’t always necessarily know what is best and that our stubbornness in trying to force what our brains tell us, instead of listening to the good instincts God put in us, hinders more than helps.

My brain says to stick with what I know. Stay put. Cling to what I have here. Don’t venture into the unknown. However, in the last 6 or so years, every time we’ve “settled” somewhere, I eventually get a feeling that it’s not exactly where we’re supposed to be. I knew it in California (obviously!) I knew it in Brigham, I knew it in Tremonton, Portage and Malad. I knew it wasn’t a permanent place for our family. Here in Downey, I thought we were settled. I thought we had found the place where our babies would be born and raised. The “home” that our kids would always come home to after they were grown. It’s what my brain wants. But now even here in my comfort zone, my dang guts keep saying that it’s not exactly right, that it’s ok, but not perfect. I sit in my house, and instead of feeling content and settled, it feels temporary again. (And, just to be clear, my guts started saying this even before the prospect of moving for work came up! :D)

So on one hand, everything familiar and comfortable to me is here. But on the other hand, my guts say bigger and better is just out there waiting for us.

So I pray harder. I pray that I can listen to my heart and my instincts and God’s voice instead of my scared little brain. I pray that Chuck can listen to HIS heart too and do what is best for us. I pray that we have clarity and peace with whatever decision we’re led to make, because, for me doubt is the hardest part of any big decision for my family. I pray that the decision we make is the best for our current finances and our financial security in the future. I pray that I can handle being a “single mom” for that much longer, because honestly, I was kind of liking the idea of Chuck being home for the winter. I pray that Chuck can handle being away from his family. I pray that this is the answer to my recent discontent. I thank God that I have the husband that I do and that we have the same vision. That I can depend on him to support our family and he can depend on me to take care of everything else. I thank God for his mercy and grace in our dumb, misguided decisions in the past.

I send my prayers up in smoke signals, (some times mushroom-cloud-sized) knowing that they are being heard, interpreted and answered!

Have you seen that girl?

Have you seen that girl
That everybody says I used to be
Have you seen that girl
Where along the way did I lose me?
Have you seen that girl?
~Lee Ann Womack

I used to have ambition. I used to have patience. I used to be able to concentrate on something for more than five minutes. Including blogging, so I apologize if this one makes absolutely no sense.

Now just the thought of getting out my scrapbook stuff, or sewing stuff, or cleaning the kitchen, taking a shower, bringing in firewood, working the horses, making breakfast, or even sitting down with a book is completely overwhelming. I have to force myself to sit down with the kids and play or read to them. My brain feels so scattered that I don’t ever know where to even start with anything. When I actually start something, I sit and stare at it til I decide it’s not worth it. I cant plan anything in advance anymore so I always end up doing things last-minute and half-way. I’ve always been good at procrastinating, but it seems like that is all I ever DO anymore. If anything is remotely stressful or takes concentration, I put it off. I waste time doing useless stuff, and in the meantime, my stomach is in knots from worrying about everything I SHOULD be taking care of which makes me want to break down and sob all the time. And I don’t even want to talk about the quality of sleep I get.

The result of my issue is; my house is a wreck, I cant keep my kids on a decent schedule, nothing is ever done right, our finances are a mess, my yard is pathetic, my whole life is a wreck.

WHAT is WRONG with me? I don’t even know when this happened! I’m assuming it was a gradual change, because I think if it had happened overnight someone would have said something. I wonder if it was during the whole miscarriage/surgery/quitting my job/Chuck leaving phase. Maybe people just need to have a mental breakdown every once in a while to clear out the junk. Or maybe I’ve just lost it. Trying too hard to be perfect. Worrying too much that I’m not. Feeling inadequate as a mother, daughter, friend and wife.

I still have things I want to do. I still want to learn to play my stupid guitar, I still want to paint the ugly wall in my living room, I still want to learn to rope, I still want to actually finish a Bible study, I still have a hundred craft projects I want to do. But I cant do a single one of them.

I recently read something that made a lot of sense to me. “Victory always begins with a cry for help”. There’s not much anyone can do to answer my cry for help here, unless they have extensive education in crazy people. So I think I’ll spend a lot LESS time on the black hole of the internet, a lot more time on my knees, a lot more time in the Word.

I need something real, I need inspiration to find that girl I used to be, I need consistency, I need to dig deep and rebuild the strength I used to have, I need to grow my faith.

I need peace in my heart because there’s too much chaos in my head right now.

Homesick

When I moved back to the normal part of the country after living in Southern California for 4 years, I was homesick. I hated to admit the fact that there is a part of me that is a bit of a city girl. It’s a little itty-bitty tiny part, but it’s there. And I really did miss it after I was gone. I got over it pretty quickly though, for the most part. I didn’t tell Chuck this, but when we went to CA last spring for a visit I was REALLY homesick. So I still have my moments. It’s a part of my life I’ll always cherish.

Once in a great while, I get restless. The comforting pace of Idaho life, that generally is so perfect for me, gets monotonous. Usually, when I step outside and see the mountains surrounding me, smell the freshly rain-washed sage, hear the horses nicker to me, feel the coolness of night turning to day and the ever-constant breeze on my face and watch my babies play in the dirt, I feel like I’m right where I want to be.

Then there are other days……days when I step out my back door and close my eyes and remember the salty, misty (albeit smoggy….) beach air, the palm trees hanging in the fog waiting for the sun to break out, the smell of McDonald’s and Starbucks and Jack-In-the-Box and orange trees all mingling together because they were all a block away, the sound of traffic and the waves crashing. I remember the circle of friends that have now become so very influential in my life all in one place, the money that flowed and the beer that flowed with it, the spontaneous Vegas trips, the anticipation for the weekend because there was ALWAYS something going on. And Colimas.....oh how i remember Colimas!!!

For a minute, I close my eyes and let myself be homesick.

Then I open my eyes, promise myself a vacation soon, go feed the horses that are so patiently waiting for me and rub their velvet noses, get the fresh eggs from the hens, go get the stack of never-ending bills from the mailbox, wave to the neighbor driving by (on a tractor), grab an armload of firewood and come in the house to be greeted by two little brothers scrapping on the living room floor about a toy.

It’s about then that I close my eyes again. Not to reminisce, but to earnestly thank God that I truly am right exactly where I need to be.

I wish someone had caught this on camera...

I learned something new today. Something that I probably should know, considering my husband is a farrier, but I’ve never been known to learn things the easy way. I learned that you should always keep a safe distance between your face and a horses hoof. And by safe, I mean like, two feet away!

I have this horse. He’s a big ol’ lover horse. I think if I let him in the house, he’d try to sit on the couch with me like a lap dog. He’s also got a hurt foot. Not only does he already have a pad under his shoe on that foot for rotation or a bruise (we haven’t decided yet), but he somehow managed to get a little cut on the back of it recently. I’m paranoid he’s going to go permanently lame, so I’ve been keeping an eye on this little cut. Today, I picked up his foot, got right up underneath him and looked reeeaaaal close at the cut. Then I pulled on a tiny piece of loose skin. I know this big guy is as laid back as they come, so I wasn’t worried. But Buster didn’t like that. He jerked his foot away. Have you ever seen a horse kick a fly off their belly with one of their front hooves? It’s Karate-Kid-quick. My nose happened to be the fly this time though. I saw stars for a second. I’m pretty sure Buster laughed at me.

Lesson learned….

Cheesy Vegetable Soup!

My friend Brittany D. shared this recipe with me. I tweaked it just a tad, but the basic recipe is the same. It's my new FAVORITE soup recipe! For all my Utah friends that are familiar with it, it's JUST LIKE Maddox's cheddar broccoli. Which is HUGE because i could live on that soup alone.

Here's the basic recipe, and i'll tell ya my tweaks, and what i imagine would be good tweaks at the end!

Creamy Cheesy Potato Soup

6 diced potatoes (raw)
2 cans cream of potato soup
2 cans cheddar cheese soup
1.5 cups or so of diced carrot
1 diced onion (optional)
2 TB butter
milk
Heavy whipping cream
Salt and pepper

** Throw all ingredients in crockpot. Pour enough milk in to cover everything. Add heavy whipping cream (this should be about 3/4 full in a big crockpot. Add more milk if you want more broth. Cook on low for 6-8 hours. Top with shredded cheese.

How stinkin' SIMPLE is this! So here's what i did. I didn't put quite as many potatoes as it called for, because i was running out of room in my crock pot. I need a bigger one. Bad.

I also didn't add the carrots, which was stupid because i just pulled about a bazillion of them out of my garden today. Whatever. My kid gave himself a haircut at 8:30 this morning. Give me a break. I space ingredients when things like this happen.

I added way more than 2 tablespoons of butter. Correction: I forgot it altogether at first. My other kid fell down the stairs this afternoon. Give me a break. I tasted it after it got hot and it was DEFINITELY missing something. Butter. Duh. So i added a LOT of it. At least 4 T. It was a good call. But when is more butter NOT a good call? My kitchen revolves around butter.

At the beginning I threw in lots of frozen broccoli and cauliflower. The reason i even did this to begin with was because I had to go to the store to get the cans of soup. My grocery store was either out of cream of potato, or they don't carry it. I couldn't figure out which. Dumb store.... So I bought cream of broccoli instead and the logical thing to do seemed to be to add more broccoli to the soup. The result was fabulous!

In the future, if i can resist just making this same exact recipe, i'll try one with more of a variety of vegetables in it. Celery (it's the ONLY thing i like celery in), corn, CARROTS.... I think potato and ham might be pretty good too. Maybe cream of chicken soup, shredded chicken and corn. Maybe even add some taco seasoning for a tex-mex version! OOoh, and i bet a little bit of fresh garlic would be great in any version of it!

Like i said, the basic recipe is VERY versatile. And very yummy! And simple! And quick! You need to try it!

This weeks menu!

A couple of people have asked about my pre-cooked meals this week, so I figured I’d put it all right here!

For dinners this week, I made grilled chicken, mashed potatoes, brown gravy, corn on the cob, steamed broccoli w/parmesan and taco meat. We’ll have all this for dinner, and I’ll put some in single-serving containers to take to work for lunches too. I also have leftover chicken alfredo pizza and beef enchiladas, and chopped veggies for salads that I’ll use for lunches. On the night that I get everything fed, watered and bathed early, I plan on making bowtie lasagna. There’s always at least one of those days in my week! I also have French fries and breaded fish fillets I can throw in the oven on the night that I am being completely lazy and realize I need to feed my kids at 8:30. Unfortunately, I always have at least one of those days in my week too!

If you want any of the recipes, just let me know! I use a lot of Pioneer Woman’s recipes, but some of them are just tried and true ones that I’ve used for years! When I decide to pre-cook for the week, I usually do it all in one day. It’s easier that way, because then I don’t have a disastrous kitchen for more than one day. But I haven’t fully recovered from my surgery and I’m still feeling kinda slow, so it’ll be spread out over two days! I try to do all my baking as early as I can because my oven heats my kitchen up so much. A lot of times if I’m doing chicken, I’ll throw it on the BBQ so I don’t have to use the stove as much. This week I did it on the stove though. I cooked chicken breasts in some olive oil and Vidalia onion dressing. SO yummy!

Mornings are always rushed in my house, mostly because I don’t like to drag my butt out of bed. So breakfast ends up being on-the-go more often than not. I plan on baking muffins and banana bread so we have something quick and easy to grab on the way out the door, in addition to our fruit and yogurt! I haven’t decided what kind of muffins to make, so if you have a good recipe, please share! There may or may not be cookies in the oven with these other baked goods and possibly some fresh bread……… And lastly, I always get a serious snack craving halfway through my morning at work, and then on my drive home, so I’m going to see if I can find a good snack recipe!

Wes cant eat some of what we do because of his lack of teeth, so he’s still eating baby food most of the time. I put a squash in the oven tonight that I’ll mash up for him and I’ll boil some teenie tiny cute little pasta to mix up with it too! I saved a ton of babyfood jars, so I will reuse those and not have to add to my dishes!

Next week I plan on trying a creamy-tomato based spaghetti with artichokes that looks heavenly! Creamy-tomato is my new favorite sauce! And I’ve been craving fry bread, so we’ll probably have Navajo tacos next week too! Which reminds me of a tip. When I make a basic recipe (like tacos) for dinner I try to cook twice as much of the meat as I’ll actually need. That way I have pre-made meat that I can throw into a quick dinner. I made twice as much taco meat for tacos this week as I actually need, so I can use the rest for Navajo tacos next week!

Here’s a rundown on my menu for the week!

Breakfast:

Fruit, yogurt, muffins, leftover pancakes. I might cook up some sausage and scrambled eggs so I can throw a breakfast burrito together quick.

My lunches at work:

• Salad w/tomatoes, green onions, hard boiled eggs, grilled chicken and whatever else I find in the fridge that looks good!

• Mashed potatoes w/brown gravy, corn and grilled chicken (Think KFC bowls)

• Leftover chicken alfredo pizza (you NEED this recipe if you like white sauce pizza!)

• Leftover beef and green chile enchiladas

• I only have a 4 day work week, so that covers me!

Dinners:

• Grilled chicken and mashed potatoes w/ steamed broccoli
• Bowtie lasagna (a way yummy PW recipe!)
• French fries and fish fillets
• Tacos and corn

Not Quickly Broken

My bible study is my friends. I’ve been looking for a structured book or program to teach me the word, and while I was looking, He put it right in front of my face! At night when I read my bible, I’m usually reading a scripture that a friend sent me or used as their Facebook status. How blessed am I to have the people that know and love me as my own personal bible study? I thank God for the true Christian women I have in my life, and that I keep meeting!!

Tonight I’m reading Ephesians 5. Verses 22-33 particularly. A family friend, Christy, referenced it in a recent conversation and I think it’s something that every couple should look back on regularly.

But that's not what I'm writing about right now. The scripture I’m using today for this blog is one very dear to me.

Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12

9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:
10 If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes starts out telling us that a lot of things we generally strive for in our lives are meaningless. In fact, the title to Eccl 1 in my bible is “Everything is Meaningless”. But then it gets to 4:9. Two are better than one. We’re helped up when we fall, we’re kept warm, we’re defended. It says “Pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!”. Friends, apparently, are not meaningless!!

I can’t remember if this was initially sent to me on FB or in a text, but I sure remember WHO sent it. It was a friend who has inspired me in ways I never imagined. I give my thanks for her in a great number of my prayers. Very few people come into our lives and stir us up from deep down inside, and I pity the girl that doesn’t have a best friend like I do!

My favorite part of this scripture is the last line: “A cord of three strands is not easily broken”. At first, it really confused me. I thought someone miscounted. 1 + 1 = 3 strands? Or maybe it was a typo. Are there typo’s in the Bible? Then it hit me. I may be wrong, and might be totally misunderstanding the meaning of the line, but this was my realization: My best friend and I have been each others support for a very long time. We’ve been through a lot of life together in our 20-some-odd years. And even though we’ve been separated by a whole continent at times, we’ve used each other to get through everything from relationship problems, toddler problems, to grieving.

But we also have God. He’s our third strand. Her and I would go to great lengths to take care of each other, but He uses us to grow us both in faith. He’s the one that makes us “not easily broken”. With Him, we’re truly are the Super Women we want to be!

Strong

Sometimes Strong gives out. Sometimes you lean on it and depend on it for so much that you forget to replenish it. Today, my Strong is gone. “Cowgirl up” isn’t in my vocabulary, I dumped out the stupid glass that was half full, and I’m not even going to try to look for my boot straps. Probably couldn’t reach ’em anyways. Today I’m going to wallow. I think I can do that once every few years or so, right? I’m sure this sounds an awful lot like complaining. Probably because it is. Today I don’t care.

If I didn’t have my best friends and my family, I would be completely alone right now. I don’t have a partner and my friends and family that care enough to help without asking are too far away. I’m still stubborn apparently. That didn’t take off with my strength.

I cant pick my baby up. I feel helpless and sad. My house is a wreck and I can barely stand for a half an hour without being in pain. My yard is dying and I cant even pull a hose over to save it.

Hopefully tomorrow my Strong comes back from it’s vacation, rested and replenished and ready to take on life.

Today I’m going to sit here and pout without it.

A dirty little secret

There’s something you may not know about me. Something that shocks people. It’s not something I’m proud of. It’s a shameful secret I try to hide. I try to cover it up. I try to avoid certain situations so I’m not embarrassed by it.

But eventually, all secrets come to light. Skeletons come out of the closet and you have to admit your short-comings.

So I confess….. Please don’t judge me. Love me in spite of my faults.









I don’t know how to drive a standard transmission vehicle.







There. I said it.









Quit laughing.








I’m hopelessly dependent on vehicles that are smart enough to know what gear they are supposed to be in, and WHEN they are supposed to be there, AND do it automatically. People, I can’t even talk and write at the same time, how do you expect me to make my feet deal with an extra pedal and drive in a straight line all at once? And my whole life I’ve had either a dad or a husband to deal with these incompetent vehicles anyways. So even though I understand the basic concept and mechanics of a standard transmission, I’ve yet to have a really good reason to master the skill of actually driving one. Yes, I’m a pampered country girl. What can I say?

That being said, I have to explain how we water our horses. See, most normal people run a hose to a trough and fill it up. Simple. However, we’ve never been accused of being normal, or simple for that matter, and we’re not about to start trying now. A couple of the pastures we run horses on are way too far away from our water to run a hose to. So the trusty Jeep Wrangler has been transformed into a ranch water truck. (Jeep misses its California days when it was a desert lovin’ party Jeep. Poor thing….). Jeep now has a 55 gallon barrel in the back with a valve and a hose on it that we fill up and drive over to the troughs. Jeep does not have a smart transmission. It has to be told what to do.

So yesterday evening, Chuck asked me to water so he could go shoe. He knows my dirty little secret, so he said he would take care of the too-far-away-to-reach-with-a-hose pasture when he got back. Well I don’t like to feel useless, so I told him I would handle it with the condition that he had to leave before I drove the Jeep anywhere. I didn’t want him to have to witness my jerky start and stop driving technique. It’s enough that I have this inadequacy without someone laughing at it. I also didn’t want his “coaching”. I’ve learned that, as a woman, it’s just as hard to be taught something by your husband as it is your dad. But that’s a whole ‘nother post we won’t get into right now!

So I jump in the Jeep and he shows me how to start it. Seriously, I don’t even know how to do that part….Give me a little credit though, starting the Jeep involves a screwdriver and a temperamental push button, not a key because the three year old lost it. I reiterate, we’re not normal.

I, again, tell Chuck to leave before I even put it in gear to attempt to save some of my dignity. He laughingly humors me and drives off after telling me not to run anything over. He has a lot of faith in me, can you tell?

After a few jerky starts, I actually started moving! All the while giggling at myself because I’m Just. Not. That. Coordinated. I saw Trip roll his eyes at me. I think he could probably drive the Jeep better than me. But I made it all the way to the water hose, filled the barrel and get this…...I put it in REVERSE and drove BACKWARDS! I was so proud of me! In fact, I think I like reverse better than forward. It’s so low geared it’s almost impossible to kill it. Almost.

At this point, the children that were napping peacefully were now awake and I still had one more trip to make to fill the trough. After my first sucessful water run, I was so confident in my Jeep driving abilities that I figured I could do it with a nine month old on my lap and a three year old riding shot gun. No problem. I figured wrong…. We started out ok. Wade glared at me once for hurling him into the dash board. He quickly decided it was safer to sit down and hold on. Wes tried to steer us off the road and into a fence because he wouldn’t let go of the steering wheel. But we eventually made it back to the water hose, got ‘er filled, and headed back to the pasture. On the way, I look down and see the floor board filling with water. I yell “WADE! Why is there water in here?!!” because, typically, if something is flooding the three year old had something to do with it. He didn’t say anything. I just got the “Oh crap, I’m in trouble” blank stare. Apparently, before Wade jumped back in the Jeep, he opened the valve on the barrel AFTER I had tucked the hose back in the Jeep. I decide to just hurry and get to the trough, because I just had to back up to it at this point. Backing up sounds easy, but remember that I have a nine month old on my lap still, a kid now trying to jump on the floor in the water, and I’m not as handy at driving this thing as I’d like to think I am. And the ground is really really bumpy by the trough.

The details get a little fuzzy now. Somehow, between driving backwards, holding on to the baby, yelling at the kid to stay out of the water and trying to avoid running over a bike and hitting the fence, I slammed the brakes a tad too hard and the barrel catapulted out of the Jeep. Oops...

I got out and told the horses to mind their own business and quit looking at me like that, and assessed the damage. I thought the valve was done for since that’s the end the barrel landed on, but I was lucky. It was ok. It just leaks a lot more than it used to now. I'm sure that when Chuck is done laughing at me, he can repair it to it's former water-proof state. Wade told me "It's ok, dad can fix it" after apologizing for filling the Jeep with water. That kid sure can sweet talk his momma when he feels the need!

I banned Wade to his sandbox, Wes to the lawn, and considered waiting for Chuck to come home and fix my mess. But my pride said no, so i emptied 55 gallons of water onto the ground and very gracefully lugged the barrel back in the Jeep and cinched it down TIGHT. The next trip was a lot less uneventful.

Then Chuck called to check on me. He asked what i broke. (Like i said, he has a lot of faith in me!) I told him "Nothin'....". What?? I didn't BREAK anything! And the horses have water.

Until tonight.

Then I have to do it all over again.

Maybe i should let Trip do it....

Hormonal thoughts and emotions

Having babies has never been a problem for me. In fact, it's been ridiculously easy. It's one of those things i definitely took for granted, so when i took a pregnancy test on a whim Saturday and it read positive i ignored the little gut feeling that i wasn't going to carry this one. But, honestly, by now I should know better than to ignore my momma-gut-feelings!!! My guts don't lie. Sometimes it's hard to hear anything over "FEED MEEEEE", but they still don't lie.

The huge range of emotions is amazing to me. The disappointment over it was expected. The sadness of losing something i only knew about for 5 days was more than i imagined. The anger was surprising. The relief because we simply can't afford a baby right now was shocking. The guilt for being relieved is hard to deal with. So is the guilt over wondering what i might have done wrong. The trust in God simply amazed me. I had no idea there was so much faith in me.

The crazy thoughts that go through my head are exhausting. Thinking about all my friends that have gone through miscarriages, and understanding. Thinking if i had waited a day i wouldn't have taken the test and i wouldn't have known any different. Thinking my friends and family are going to think I'm crazy when i tell them not even a week later that I'm not pregnant. Thinking that maybe the doctor that delivered Wes did something wrong. Thinking maybe there is something wrong with me that is just now showing up. Thinking that there are a million reasons why. Wondering if this might have been the baby girl I want so bad, and i won't get another. Wondering if i feel even a fraction of what Jessica feels. Wondering how hard this would have been if i didn't already have my two beautiful kids, if we had actually consciously been trying to conceive. Wondering if i'll know this baby in Heaven. Wondering how many miscarriages I've had before and just didn't know about.

In all my hormonal thoughts and emotions, I have to remember my husband is going through this too. I know he's disappointed, but still manages to be tough for me. Somehow manages to tell me it's going to be ok, it's God's plan, and to quit being a wuss all in one sentence! I guess that's why i love him.

So i tell myself to "Cowgirl up". And i'm trying. There are still fences to build, horses to water, laundry to fold and kids to chase. And there will be more kids someday. Just not today!

When all else fails.....Get a little rednecked!

I bought a bottle of white wine for a recipe. I imagine, if you know me at all, you can guess where the recipe came from! (I'll give you a hint: http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2010/06/chicken-with-olives/ She had me at "olives"!!!) So anyways, i've never actually bought wine to cook with before, i always substituted with broth. Heck, i've never bought wine PERIOD! But i discovered three things:

1. Wine ain't all that bad....and i'm definitely a lightweight now-a-days,

2. I love love love the result of cooking with wine and i plan on doing it more often,

and 3. If you're going to buy wine...keep in mind you've got to get that bottle open somehow.







Preferably with a corkscrew.







I dont own one of those.




I've learned it's against the law, so i will remedy that as soon as possible.


This is where that fine line i have between city chick/country girl comes in to play here. I have a bottle of wine, but no civilized tool to get it open. So i let a little redneck out!

A drill, a screw.......



And a pair of pliers! Who needs a corkscrew?

This is what it went into

My friends, if you like wine and you like green olives, it is absolutely necessary that you try this recipe!

I'll give ya the link to P Dubs site, just in case you missed it before. It is that important.

http://thepioneerwoman.com/cooking/2010/06/chicken-with-olives/

Faith, Hope, and Love a Cowboy

Faith Hope and Love are three very important things to have when you are a cowboy’s wife. Garth wasn’t kidding when he said “Whatcha gonna do with a Cowboy?” It’s such a satisfying struggle to love someone that is so passionate with such an unbridled spirit. It kind of feels like you are standing in the middle of a raging storm, praying you wont get hit by lightning and loving every minute of it but wondering how you got there in the first place.

The trick is figuring out how to balance that storm. I lean on faith. Faith that God has a plan and I have this cowboy for a reason. Faith that my prayers for help are heard. Faith that he will use his passion to grow his family. Faith that he loves me like I love him. Faith that I have the strength to ride out his storms and rein him in without breaking his spirit. Faith that the rain and thunder will soon bring rainbows and roses.

I think most cowboys these days were born a hundred years too late. For a while, I thought that about myself. Then I came to realize that I like electricity, running water, bling belts and hairspray too much. I’m definitely a modern day cowgirl! But my husband would be perfectly content to live like Monte Walsh, ugly mustache and all. The frustration he feels at not having the freedom of the cowboys past is all too clear some days. So I hope. Hope that I can give him the freedom to be everything he dreams of. Hope that he sees the results of his hard work. Hope that I can love him as passionately as he loves everything. Hope that he hears God’s words. Hope that our boys inherit his enthusiasm. Hope that what we envision for our family will come to be.

Have you ever watched a cowboy ride a bronc horse? Their spirits match. They are wild and free and are meant to be together and for a few seconds the world is exactly how it‘s supposed to be. When I watch a horse running through a pasture, head up and tail flying, it brings out emotions in me that are only compared to watching my own cowboy do something he loves. Or watching my little cowboys grow. It’s a love that comes from deep down in my soul. Love that I pray matches his.

I’m thankful that God gave me the love part, because otherwise I’m fairly certain that faith and hope would have lost out to violent murder. But since He DID give me the love part, my cowboy is alive and well, testing my faith and hope on a daily basis instead of in a shallow grave somewhere in the back 40. Some day’s, I don’t know how I’m going to keep from losing my sanity, my faith or my hope. But my love is something I never lose. Sometimes it’s quiet and I have to listen really hard for it. Those are the days I have to remember…..

Faith.

Hope.

And Love a cowboy.

Dandelions Everywhere!

In my adventure to eat healthy, I’ve run across a few strange things. I’ve tried to branch out from the basic green leaf lettuce and try some new stuff. I really tried. One day at the grocery store, I was feeling particularly adventurous and bought some weird mix of greens. It said it was a spring mix or something. Sounded cheerful enough, so I thought I’d give it a try. I got one bite into it and decided there wasn’t enough ranch dressing in the world to make that taste good. It was as bitter as a 6 month old beer that’s been rolling around in the back of a pickup all summer. YUCK! So I read the label on the package it came in. There was DANDELION leaves in it! WHAT????!! Sick! No wonder it tasted like WEEDS!

So today, I was in my yard digging up my flower beds to get rid of weeds and replant all the bulbs that were being overtaken. By dandelions. In fact, my whole YARD is being overtaken by the sorta-pretty weeds. They multiply before my very eyes! And they don’t double from one year to the next. They about quadruple. I sure wish my stinkin’ flowers would grow like that…..but whatever. And dont let the name fool ya. They are NOT dandy at all.



So it got me thinking. At first i was going to try this spray stuff i bought that promises to wipe out the tenacious yellow pests. Then i was going to get fertilizer that says it will make my grass grow green and kill the lovely dandelions. But I never pass up an opportunity to serve the public and these health-food-nuts are a bit crazy. The will apparently pay $5.00 for nasty bitter WEEDS to eat. And they like organic stuff….. Well let me tell ya something. I have a plan. I’m going to start selling my dandelions. GOURMET salad greens! And I’ll even cut you a smoking’ deal. Only FOUR bucks a pound! Not even $5.00 like at the grocery store! It's a steal. Especially considering that it is even organically fertilized! My neighbors dog does it for me! Occasionally the chickens help too. Doubly organic.



I expect a line around the block by tomorrow morning!

Now i just gotta figure out how to market these tumbleweeds.....

Happy Birthday Mak!

I know, i know. I'm a day late. Sorry, i was busy delivering cupcakes! :) The fundraiser was amazing! My sister came and helped me bake and frost almost 300 cupcakes on Saturday. We'll be able to send Jess almost $400 dollars!

I just want to thank everyone that ordered these pink cupcakes! The compassion and generosity of people never ceases to amaze me! I also want to thank Smith's grocery stores in Logan (on 4th) and in Brigham for donating the containers!

I've decided to make this an annual event. Every year i will make Mak cakes for anyone that wants to donate. I know Jess has big ideas in mind to be sure that Mak is never forgotten and her tragedy is used to change people's lives. That is the spirit Mak's cupcakes will be sold in.

Also, if anyone ever wants to order a batch of Mak cakes anytime throughout the year, i will be more than happy to bake them and make sure the proceeds go to Jessica!

Thanks again everyone!

CUPCAKE UPDATE!!!

I've decided to ship cupcake orders to family and friends that aren't in the Idaho/Utah area. I'm not going to send them frosted, because i think they will end up stuck to the top of the box. So they will come "some assembly required"!! But they will still taste yummy, i promise! I will have to charge a bit more for the shipping. I dont know exactly what that will be quite yet, but i will let you know for sure if you are interested in ordering!

Thanks so much!

Mak's Cupcakes!

On May 3rd, I have some special cupcakes coming. They are going to be the most vibrant hot pink I can create with frosting. There should be a baby girl blowing out her one candle on a birthday cake that day. Instead, it will be a day we remember her and pray for her family.

100% of the proceeds for these cupcakes ordered for May 3rd will go to Mak’s momma. She can use it for whatever she feels most appropriate, whether that be to help pay for the classes she’s taking right now so she can get the great job she’s after to create the life she wants for her and Cheyenne, or to help with her living expenses until she gets that great job, or to put towards a cause to remember Makenna. Whatever she needs most right now.

I can’t rewind time. I can’t make the hurt go away. I can’t fix Jessica’s financial stress. But I CAN bake!!!

The details:

• The cupcakes will be $20/dozen and $10/half-dozen.
• All of the cupcakes will be frosted in buttercream. Hot pink. Pink is Makenna, so pink they will be!
• Choice of 3 flavors: Chocolate, vanilla, or butter cake (aka yellow cake).*
• I will take orders from now til Saturday May 1st. All cupcakes will be delivered May 3rd.


TO ORDER or if you have any questions contact me at:

Wildsugar.blogspot.com
wildsugarconfections@yahoo.com
Facebook
208-705-3555 (text or call)

I know Jess has a lot of family and friends that are too far away from me to order cupcakes that would like to be involved. Don’t worry though, I have a plan for you guys too! Details to follow soon! (Let me know if you are interested though ok!)

*If you have a specific request for a flavor, let me know. Depending on how many orders I get, I may be able to get more creative with flavors!

Thankful

I know it's not Thanksgiving. Not even close. But I was just thinking today how much i really have to be thankful for.

Our finances are living on a hope and a prayer right now, but I'm thankful that i have a job, and even though Chuck doesn't have a "real job" right now, he's got awesome talent that pays the bills.

I'm so thankful that i have a little boy to sit on top of the hay stack with and talk about the important things in life. Like rocks, and why chickens hide their eggs.

I'm thankful for my baby boy that i can watch play on the lawn for the first time in his little life, and be so amazed at a blade of grass, and then grin at me because he caught me looking at him.

I'm a lucky lucky girl!

Forgiveness

Part two of today’s random thoughts! To go along the path of my last post, growing up takes a lot of strength. I don’t mean physical strength, or even mental strength. I mean emotional strength. At least for me. Growing up has taught me that I’m far from perfect, as much as I’d like to think I am. So I try to acknowledge the qualities I posses that may not be ideal.

Lately that quality I’ve been trying to adjust has been my talent to hold a grudge. I’m really good at it. You know that “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” thing? Yeah, I can hang on to that for a LOOOONG time! Go ahead, hurt my feelings. I DARE ya….

So as you can imagine, the concept of forgiving does not come easy to me. To be honest, I’m don’t even feel 100% clear on what it really means to forgive. So I Google it. Lots of quotes come up. Which is good, because quotes and song lyrics have always been an obsession of mine. And now bible verses, which is really cool for me. But anyways, in my quest to be more forgiving I found some quotes. Most of them are by a guy names Smedes. Apparently he was a very forgiving dude.

The first quote I want to use is this:

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.” Lewis B Smedes

I like the thought of “healed memory”. I’m not sure how to go about healing some of my memories, but I’m going to give it a good shot!

In my mind I get forgiveness and letting people get away with things confused. I feel that if I forgive someone for doing something that hurt me, I let them get away with it. Like they weren’t “scorned” enough! This quote addresses that:

“You can forgive someone almost anything. But you cannot tolerate everything...We don't have to tolerate what people do just because we forgive them for doing it. Forgiving heals us personally. To tolerate everything only hurts us all in the long run." Lewis B Smedes

So I don’t HAVE to tolerate crap. I can forgive AND still stand up for myself at the same time. Apparently. I still haven’t figured out how to do that either.

I hear tell that forgiving makes you feel better. Basically, you’re not carrying around baggage if you’ve forgiven the wrong. And maybe that’s so. Maybe a lot of people are so bitter and mean because they can’t let go and forgive. I don’t want to be a bitter crazy person. Not for anyone else’s benefit, but for my own. It’s exhausting holding grudges! And according to this quote, it will make me happier!

“The forgiving state of mind is a magnetic power for attracting good.” Catherine Ponder

I don’t want to attract negativity!!

So my next step is to try to figure out HOW to forgive. The bible says to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Well…that’s great and all, but I don’t know HOW to. How do I look at someone that has caused so much pain and not constantly see how they’ve hurt me? I was feeling discouraged that I couldn’t just MAKE myself forgive certain people. But then I read this:

"Forgiving does not usually happen at once. It is a process, sometimes a long one, especially when it comes to wounds gouged deep. And we must expect some lapses...some people seem to manage to finish off forgiving in one swoop of the heart. But when they do, you can bet they are forgiving flesh wounds. Deeper cuts take more time and can use a second coat." Smedes

Maybe it’s going to be a long road. Maybe some things take years to forgive. I wonder if you can forgive something, then get mad about it all over and have to forgive again? Or does that just mean you never really forgave in the first place?

Micah 7:18-19
Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

This, to me, says that it’s ok that I get mad about something that hurt me, but not to stay angry and to feel good about forgiving.

I think forgiveness will be something I always struggle with. I’ve noticed that Matthew comes up a lot in my Google searches of forgiveness. Maybe I’ll read that and get some insight on how to go about handling this.

Anyways, I’m not sure what the point of this is. Mostly to get it off my chest I guess. Sorry about the rambling and unorganized thoughts!

Growing Up

So this post started out as a random jumble of thoughts. Then I narrowed it down to two thoughts. Then I got carried away with this one and decided to write TWO posts today! Try to keep up! :)

The realization that I’m an adult is really dawning on me. I know, I know, I’ve technically been and adult for almost 9 years. But it’s not our age that makes us adults. It’s the life we experience. I laugh when I think about myself at 17 (and 18 and 19…....ok, fine. And 20). I was SUCH a know-it-all. Couldn’t tell me nothin’. But life hadn’t happened yet. I hadn’t been faced with anything difficult. I’d been pretty sheltered and protected, and probably lucky. The things that make me a grown up now, I couldn’t even FATHOM back then.

Now I have babies. And not only do the majority of my friends have babies, they’ve lost babies too. Nothing will make you feel more grown up than that particular heartache.

Now I’m a mom, I make babies and I HAVE THE ANSWERS! When my little boy asks me “How come?” I have the power to teach him! When my husband calls and asks what to do about a baby’s little cough, I HAVE THE ANSWER!!

Now I appreciate my crazy family for what they are. My rock, my strength, my heart. I failed to realize at 17 that they had all my best interests at heart. Not just a pain in my rear!

Now I’ve lost a parent. ‘Nuff said.

Now I have friends that I’ve been through the fire with. Friends that have been through the worst parts of my life with me so far and have seen me at my worst, and love me that much stronger. Friends that even thousands of miles can’t keep away. Friends I love like sisters. Friends that I had no idea I’d been missing all those years.

Now I have possible career that I love, that means something and that I have a responsibility to. I’ve never had that before.

Now I have a mortgage (I swear, that should be a four letter word!). I have a responsibility to a house and six acres. This little piece of the pie we “own” now is SO important to my kids and how they will be influenced to grow up.

Now I have a marriage that I am committed to. A love that somehow seems to always overcome serious trials. One that is going to stand the test of time.

Now I don’t know so much. I ask questions, and I listen and try to learn from mistakes. Everyone’s mistakes, not just my own.

I realize that I still have a lot of growing up to do. I have many many years of wisdom to acquire. But I’m hoping that this little revelation to myself will lead me in the right directions. I know that as an adult I have a lot to offer my family, my friends and the world. The power to positively influence the people around me. And I’m happy with that!

As my friend Jill recently wrote in her blog, “I tried to think of a wish myself…I couldn’t… when it comes to the realistic things that really make me happy, I have it all. - so life must be pretty good.” And I think I feel the same!

Makenna's Miracles....she's already workin' 'em!

I’ve been struggling with religion and faith since I can remember. In fact, i'm pretty sure that's what my very first post on my other blog was about! I wasn’t raised religious. Not atheist necessarily. I think agnostic describes it better. I’ve never denied that God is real, just never really felt there was any solid “proof”. I’ve always believed in angels, just because I want to but I also have the “Darwin vs. Adam and Eve” conflict going on in my head. Kind of a skeptic I guess. Growing up in Utah like I did, religion was always around. It was kind of hard to miss! So my skepticism was tested on a regular basis. In junior high I had one great friend in particular that shared her faith with me. Although I don’t belong to the LDS church, she and her family were a huge inspiration to me and I always felt something special in their house. The “spirit” I suppose. They have a closeness that I want for my own family that is deeply rooted in their faith. But even with the pull I’ve always felt to learn more about faith and the examples I’ve had in my life, I still never pursued it.

But every once in a while, something big happens. A sequence of events in a short amount of time changes your life and you find what has been missing. For me, it started with my dad’s death. He is my angel. And you can’t have angels without God, right? He got the ball rolling, I guess you could say. Then came a couple of miracle babies in our lives, some struggles that always seemed to work themselves out, and rock bottom in my marriage.

Then we lost baby Makenna. Everyone keeps saying that she came into our lives and left us so soon for a reason. I didn’t realize at first how personal that reason would be for me. That sweet girl was here to change the world, and to pull me closer to God. In the process of trying to understand why she is gone, and why her family has to hurt so bad I came up with a theory. Makenna HAS to be in heaven. There is NO WAY that a baby is taken from us like this with no plan, no reason and no purpose. Even if I had no other reason to believe in God, this is enough for me. I don’t understand it, and I don’t know if I ever really will. But there IS a God and he gave Mak to my best friend, and then took her away to show me that. When I went to California this month, I went to church with Jess and her family. It inspired me to find a church here at home. And we did. Yesterday was the first time we went to church as a family. And it feels really good. I don’t know that we would have made the move if I never had a reason to go to CA and end up at church.

Among all the other little inspirations Jess’ family has brought into my life, from gun safety to letting my kids pet stingray’s, I think opening up the door to faith is the most important thing Makenna has done for me. And hopefully, someday I get to thank her personally!

Baby Makenna

Yesterday, with tears rolling down my face, I watched my baby boy blow raspberries for the first time. I cried because one of my best friends won’t get to see anymore “firsts” from her baby girl. She doesn’t get to laugh at the silly things her baby does, she doesn’t get to watch her learn to walk and talk. I cry because a little innocent life was taken away from all of us so senselessly.

It’s hard not to imagine myself in her shoes. She tells me her story, and I picture my own babies. Every time I walk in my kitchen, I can’t help but think of the nightmarish scene she saw in her own and wonder how I could live through that horror if it were me. I imagine the phone calls she had to make to tell family and friends that the baby we all love is gone and don’t know if I’d have the strength to do it. I feel the sadness and helplessness of the situation and know that it’s not even close to the grief that that Momma’s heart is feeling.

I know that her pain and hurt is just getting started. There are still so many things that no mother should ever have to even think about that she is going to be faced with in the very near future. I know that there are a lot of people that love and care for her, and will do anything to help her, but even the power of our love can’t change what is done. Even with all of us supporting her, she still has to deal with losing one of her children. No one can take that pain from her.

I hope that I can be strong enough to be the support she needs from me. I hope that somehow I can figure out how to control my own sadness and anger to give her all the help I can. I hope she knows that she’s not alone and does not have to go through one bit of this process by herself if she doesn’t want to.

Makenna Jo, you are loved and missed.

Dear Dad,

This month marks five years since you’ve been gone. It’s strange to me how five years can sometimes seem like such a long time, and other days feel like just yesterday. How the pain and grief sometimes feels so fresh, and other times like an old memory. I knew the pain would be something I’d always have to deal with, but what I did not expect was to constantly feel frustration. I’m frustrated that there is one less person in my kids’ lives that loves them so much, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m frustrated that I lost a whole side of my extended family when I lost you. The pain of the day you died and the day of your funeral has dulled, but the frustration never goes away.

I hope you know how much I miss you. I still hear Fishing in the Dark on the radio and think about you. I look in my babies blue eyes and wonder how much of that blue came from you. I stand in the middle of my pasture at the house I bought and think about how happy you’d be for me. I hope you don’t mind that I take a drive up Logan canyon to “see” you, because I can’t bring myself to go to that cemetery since the day we buried you. I hope that you see me and my family and are proud of what I’ve done with my life. I hope that someday if I have a little girl she looks up to her dad as much as I did you.

Love you.

Vegetarian Meat Eater

Yep. That's me! I warned you. It gets a little confusing around here!

So. Here's the deal. I have two kids. I love them. I DO NOT love what getting them here did to my body. It tolerated the first baby pretty well. It stayed mad at me for a month or so, then decided not to hold it against me and morphed back to it's original shape.

Then came baby #2. Body was NOT happy. And it's holding a grudge. It's mocking me with the back fat. Laughing at me when i try to get the muffin top to look good in size 5 jeans baby-tee again.

So i'm getting revenge. NO more yummy treats for you fatty! No more rich creamy sauces, no more crispy greasy fries, no more steak and potatoes every night. And Dear Britt, ....NO MORE 5 LAYER BURRITOS!!!!

That's right. After much deliberation, and consultation of my resident friend/dietary expert (Thanks for the help Jess!) I've made the commitment to eat healthy. I went to the grocery store and hid my face as i bought pounds of lettuce, spinach, carrots, broccoli, garbanzo beans, and alfalfa sprouts. I dont want anyone thinking I dont eat like the deer hunting country girl that i am! Only crazy PETA-donating liberals eat this crap, right? I immediately cut out all the fat-filled meals that usually grace my dinner table and replaced it with stuff that the internet promises is good for me. And, by hell, who knew that fresh spinach, diced tomatoes, cucumbers, sprouts and green onions covered in Italian instead of my beloved ranch dressing could be GOOD!!! And to add to my complete amazement, it actually filled my belly! It was a revelation i tell ya. Even my three year old got in on the game. He thinks it's GREAT fun to eat "leaves" and that funny looking grass stuff!

My husband, on the other hand, hasn't quite subscribed to my recent crazy-ness. He knows better than to argue with me about my fat. So he carefully weighs his options. For now, i'm pretty sure he's come to the conclusion that it's better to pick what he can from the meals i make and keep his mouth shut than to ask what is REALLY for dinner! Smart move on his part. Sometimes, i think the man actually has a brain in his head! And, honestly, it really is not going to hurt him to go along with this plan of mine.

The greatest part about all this is, it's actually WORKING! The baby belly isn't looking so flabby the past few days, which makes my size five jeans MUCH happier! The zipper was starting to complain!

Here's my beef though. (Ironic choice of words, eh?). I want to find more recipes that are vegetarian because they are more healthy in general. But all the sites i find, and all the recipes i find always concentrate on crazy ingredients from foreign countries. This country girl likes down home cookin'. Not things you would find on a Thai restaurant menu that I cant pronounce. I dont want strange seasonings. I dont want funky looking stuff pretty much seem fake. I do actually want to keep eating my chicken and deer meat! They tell me it's good for me.

So i'm working on adapting my current favorite recipes into not-so-artery-clogging meals. And i refuse to admit how many cupcakes have mysteriously disappeared, and how much spinach artichoke dip is gone. I'm pretty sure that was the fat girl in me eating that stuff in my sleep!

It's all about me!

I'm starting a new blog for ME. I'm a mom, a wife, a secretary. I'm everything to everyone. But the one thing i've forgotten that i am? CRYSTAL! Just Crystal. Me. So this is going to be all about the thoughts in my head and the things that i do and the dreams and wishes that i have that (for the most part) are kinda selfish. It will probably sound a lot like ranting, and a little like complaining. But it's my blog and i'll write what i want! (Can you see me sticking my tongue out? Because i am. Not sure who it's directed at, but i feel better!)

I've always been able to express myself better when i can write it all out. I think i have a defect that doesn't let complete thoughts reach my mouth. Most of them get lost somewhere between my brain and saying it out loud, so i usually sound like i'm either crazy or full of crap.

Maybe i am.

You decide!