Forgiveness

Part two of today’s random thoughts! To go along the path of my last post, growing up takes a lot of strength. I don’t mean physical strength, or even mental strength. I mean emotional strength. At least for me. Growing up has taught me that I’m far from perfect, as much as I’d like to think I am. So I try to acknowledge the qualities I posses that may not be ideal.

Lately that quality I’ve been trying to adjust has been my talent to hold a grudge. I’m really good at it. You know that “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” thing? Yeah, I can hang on to that for a LOOOONG time! Go ahead, hurt my feelings. I DARE ya….

So as you can imagine, the concept of forgiving does not come easy to me. To be honest, I’m don’t even feel 100% clear on what it really means to forgive. So I Google it. Lots of quotes come up. Which is good, because quotes and song lyrics have always been an obsession of mine. And now bible verses, which is really cool for me. But anyways, in my quest to be more forgiving I found some quotes. Most of them are by a guy names Smedes. Apparently he was a very forgiving dude.

The first quote I want to use is this:

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.” Lewis B Smedes

I like the thought of “healed memory”. I’m not sure how to go about healing some of my memories, but I’m going to give it a good shot!

In my mind I get forgiveness and letting people get away with things confused. I feel that if I forgive someone for doing something that hurt me, I let them get away with it. Like they weren’t “scorned” enough! This quote addresses that:

“You can forgive someone almost anything. But you cannot tolerate everything...We don't have to tolerate what people do just because we forgive them for doing it. Forgiving heals us personally. To tolerate everything only hurts us all in the long run." Lewis B Smedes

So I don’t HAVE to tolerate crap. I can forgive AND still stand up for myself at the same time. Apparently. I still haven’t figured out how to do that either.

I hear tell that forgiving makes you feel better. Basically, you’re not carrying around baggage if you’ve forgiven the wrong. And maybe that’s so. Maybe a lot of people are so bitter and mean because they can’t let go and forgive. I don’t want to be a bitter crazy person. Not for anyone else’s benefit, but for my own. It’s exhausting holding grudges! And according to this quote, it will make me happier!

“The forgiving state of mind is a magnetic power for attracting good.” Catherine Ponder

I don’t want to attract negativity!!

So my next step is to try to figure out HOW to forgive. The bible says to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Well…that’s great and all, but I don’t know HOW to. How do I look at someone that has caused so much pain and not constantly see how they’ve hurt me? I was feeling discouraged that I couldn’t just MAKE myself forgive certain people. But then I read this:

"Forgiving does not usually happen at once. It is a process, sometimes a long one, especially when it comes to wounds gouged deep. And we must expect some lapses...some people seem to manage to finish off forgiving in one swoop of the heart. But when they do, you can bet they are forgiving flesh wounds. Deeper cuts take more time and can use a second coat." Smedes

Maybe it’s going to be a long road. Maybe some things take years to forgive. I wonder if you can forgive something, then get mad about it all over and have to forgive again? Or does that just mean you never really forgave in the first place?

Micah 7:18-19
Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

This, to me, says that it’s ok that I get mad about something that hurt me, but not to stay angry and to feel good about forgiving.

I think forgiveness will be something I always struggle with. I’ve noticed that Matthew comes up a lot in my Google searches of forgiveness. Maybe I’ll read that and get some insight on how to go about handling this.

Anyways, I’m not sure what the point of this is. Mostly to get it off my chest I guess. Sorry about the rambling and unorganized thoughts!