Having babies has never been a problem for me. In fact, it's been ridiculously easy. It's one of those things i definitely took for granted, so when i took a pregnancy test on a whim Saturday and it read positive i ignored the little gut feeling that i wasn't going to carry this one. But, honestly, by now I should know better than to ignore my momma-gut-feelings!!! My guts don't lie. Sometimes it's hard to hear anything over "FEED MEEEEE", but they still don't lie.
The huge range of emotions is amazing to me. The disappointment over it was expected. The sadness of losing something i only knew about for 5 days was more than i imagined. The anger was surprising. The relief because we simply can't afford a baby right now was shocking. The guilt for being relieved is hard to deal with. So is the guilt over wondering what i might have done wrong. The trust in God simply amazed me. I had no idea there was so much faith in me.
The crazy thoughts that go through my head are exhausting. Thinking about all my friends that have gone through miscarriages, and understanding. Thinking if i had waited a day i wouldn't have taken the test and i wouldn't have known any different. Thinking my friends and family are going to think I'm crazy when i tell them not even a week later that I'm not pregnant. Thinking that maybe the doctor that delivered Wes did something wrong. Thinking maybe there is something wrong with me that is just now showing up. Thinking that there are a million reasons why. Wondering if this might have been the baby girl I want so bad, and i won't get another. Wondering if i feel even a fraction of what Jessica feels. Wondering how hard this would have been if i didn't already have my two beautiful kids, if we had actually consciously been trying to conceive. Wondering if i'll know this baby in Heaven. Wondering how many miscarriages I've had before and just didn't know about.
In all my hormonal thoughts and emotions, I have to remember my husband is going through this too. I know he's disappointed, but still manages to be tough for me. Somehow manages to tell me it's going to be ok, it's God's plan, and to quit being a wuss all in one sentence! I guess that's why i love him.
So i tell myself to "Cowgirl up". And i'm trying. There are still fences to build, horses to water, laundry to fold and kids to chase. And there will be more kids someday. Just not today!
You are stronger then you know! We all love you and understand ALL of those feelings! you have right to feel every single one of them! Let me know if you need anything at all!! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Crystal. It's hard to understand when this happens, for sure. I had a miscarriage when Adam was about two years old. I remembering thinking for months that it was something I had done. Wondering why God would allow me to get pregnant if it wasn't going to live. I didn't know I was pregnant until I got really sick and lost it (I was only about six weeks). I can look back now and know that I started taking better care of myself, quit one of my jobs, tried not to let the stresses of life affect me to the point of physical exhaustion (don't think that took for another 20 years though), and definitely realized that I trusted God's purpose even if I didn't understand. Hang in there sweetie. There is a reason(s), and being able to accept that alone, without fully understanding, brings peace to make it to the other side. Love you!!
ReplyDeleteI don't know where to start. I don't think this is about cowgirlin' up, I suppose it's the opposite - and time to drop down on your knees. Giving it up to God is just that, giving it up. Letting the tears fall, and searching for his purpose for you. If your loss is anything like mine, the questions won't stop. They will get harder the farther you move along, and as life starts to happen more.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what it feels like to be in your shoes, but I know the pain that comes when you think it may happen. I remember sitting in the waiting room after they told me Makenna wasn't growing. All the thoughts that rushed through my boday, and the tears that wouldn't stop. But, I still got to hold her. I don't want to discount your loss or mine. A loss is loss - just know I love you, I'm praying for you.
Joy comes in the morning, and you are right you are stronger than you know. The Lord promises He will not give you more than you can handle. So keep your chin up and before you know it those triplet girls will be chasing Wes around with Bows and nail polish.
ReplyDeleteThanks guys! I love you all! I can honestly say i would not have the faith that i do without the influences i have in my life!!!! And i swear, if you two jinx me with triplet girls, you BOTH are adopting one! :p
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