Have you seen that girl?

Have you seen that girl
That everybody says I used to be
Have you seen that girl
Where along the way did I lose me?
Have you seen that girl?
~Lee Ann Womack

I used to have ambition. I used to have patience. I used to be able to concentrate on something for more than five minutes. Including blogging, so I apologize if this one makes absolutely no sense.

Now just the thought of getting out my scrapbook stuff, or sewing stuff, or cleaning the kitchen, taking a shower, bringing in firewood, working the horses, making breakfast, or even sitting down with a book is completely overwhelming. I have to force myself to sit down with the kids and play or read to them. My brain feels so scattered that I don’t ever know where to even start with anything. When I actually start something, I sit and stare at it til I decide it’s not worth it. I cant plan anything in advance anymore so I always end up doing things last-minute and half-way. I’ve always been good at procrastinating, but it seems like that is all I ever DO anymore. If anything is remotely stressful or takes concentration, I put it off. I waste time doing useless stuff, and in the meantime, my stomach is in knots from worrying about everything I SHOULD be taking care of which makes me want to break down and sob all the time. And I don’t even want to talk about the quality of sleep I get.

The result of my issue is; my house is a wreck, I cant keep my kids on a decent schedule, nothing is ever done right, our finances are a mess, my yard is pathetic, my whole life is a wreck.

WHAT is WRONG with me? I don’t even know when this happened! I’m assuming it was a gradual change, because I think if it had happened overnight someone would have said something. I wonder if it was during the whole miscarriage/surgery/quitting my job/Chuck leaving phase. Maybe people just need to have a mental breakdown every once in a while to clear out the junk. Or maybe I’ve just lost it. Trying too hard to be perfect. Worrying too much that I’m not. Feeling inadequate as a mother, daughter, friend and wife.

I still have things I want to do. I still want to learn to play my stupid guitar, I still want to paint the ugly wall in my living room, I still want to learn to rope, I still want to actually finish a Bible study, I still have a hundred craft projects I want to do. But I cant do a single one of them.

I recently read something that made a lot of sense to me. “Victory always begins with a cry for help”. There’s not much anyone can do to answer my cry for help here, unless they have extensive education in crazy people. So I think I’ll spend a lot LESS time on the black hole of the internet, a lot more time on my knees, a lot more time in the Word.

I need something real, I need inspiration to find that girl I used to be, I need consistency, I need to dig deep and rebuild the strength I used to have, I need to grow my faith.

I need peace in my heart because there’s too much chaos in my head right now.