Nuclear prayers!

I’ve heard someone say that our prayers go up to God like wisps of smoke. I can’t remember who it was, but if it’s true, my prayers have been going up like nuclear mushroom clouds lately. It’s what I do when I’m scared or stressed, or just flat out don’t know what else to do. I pray. And all of those feelings have been pretty common recently.

Everyone has stress. Sometimes our stress outweighs our capability to cope. I try really REALLY hard to handle my stress gracefully, but sometimes it gets the better of me. Ok fine, a lot of the time it gets the better of me…. Generally, when I reach my boiling point, it has something to do with finances. I feel like I can handle just about any other stress I’ve had to deal with thus far in my life until it comes to money, or the lack thereof to be more precise. I just can’t deal with financial stress. It completely screws up my whole thought process for everything, and completely overwhelms me.

If you live anywhere near Idaho (or the United States for that matter…) you know the job market is pathetic. If you’re in construction, like my husband is, you know that particular industry is even worse than pathetic. At least the jobs at Chuck’s caliber and pay scale. Which is why he’s had to work out of state. But even then, the market still isn’t fantastic where he’s at so he’s constantly looking for bigger and better opportunities. Our goal is for him to eventually have a career with a company that has stability, longevity and will be the best for our family. We want to be able to live the lifestyle we want and be able to comfortably afford the big family we want and give our kids every opportunity they deserve. We realize that means we have to “chase the money”. We also realize that this means we probably wont be able to stay in Downey.

We’ve been extremely fortunate with the company Chuck is currently working with. He’s had the opportunity to gain the experience and confidence he needs, and build the resume to really go after the bigger and better. Which is exactly what he’s done! I have to say, I am pretty proud of his ambition!

So this is where my atomic bomb prayers come in. Chuck is headed to North Dakota this weekend to start a new job. A job that he negotiated a significant pay rate for. A job with security through the winter, which is a big deal in construction. He also has an interview in December with a county in Idaho. (Government jobs = security to us. Benefits, stability, longevity, good pay, no lay offs, etc. It’s been the big goal.) In my prayers I’ve been asking for guidance, for the most part. Chuck was having a hard time deciding on whether or not to change jobs right now, and I just didn’t know what to tell him. So I asked for guidance. To put us on the right path, whether it “felt right” to us or not. Even if it’s not one of the opportunities we see in front of us at the moment.

My personal issue with the job opportunities available to us now is that both of them mean we will eventually have to move. Whether it’s further north in Idaho or WAY further north to the arctic tundra of North Dakota. (Can you tell how excited I am about that idea?) On one hand, I’m terrified. I don’t want to be that far from everything I know. My family is here, my friends are here, my kids’ babysitter and preschool is here, my church that has been so very influential to me is here. But……on the other hand……(I’m gonna switch gears here for a second, bear with me!) My best friend and I have this thing about learning to listen to our guts. We’ve learned that our brains don’t always necessarily know what is best and that our stubbornness in trying to force what our brains tell us, instead of listening to the good instincts God put in us, hinders more than helps.

My brain says to stick with what I know. Stay put. Cling to what I have here. Don’t venture into the unknown. However, in the last 6 or so years, every time we’ve “settled” somewhere, I eventually get a feeling that it’s not exactly where we’re supposed to be. I knew it in California (obviously!) I knew it in Brigham, I knew it in Tremonton, Portage and Malad. I knew it wasn’t a permanent place for our family. Here in Downey, I thought we were settled. I thought we had found the place where our babies would be born and raised. The “home” that our kids would always come home to after they were grown. It’s what my brain wants. But now even here in my comfort zone, my dang guts keep saying that it’s not exactly right, that it’s ok, but not perfect. I sit in my house, and instead of feeling content and settled, it feels temporary again. (And, just to be clear, my guts started saying this even before the prospect of moving for work came up! :D)

So on one hand, everything familiar and comfortable to me is here. But on the other hand, my guts say bigger and better is just out there waiting for us.

So I pray harder. I pray that I can listen to my heart and my instincts and God’s voice instead of my scared little brain. I pray that Chuck can listen to HIS heart too and do what is best for us. I pray that we have clarity and peace with whatever decision we’re led to make, because, for me doubt is the hardest part of any big decision for my family. I pray that the decision we make is the best for our current finances and our financial security in the future. I pray that I can handle being a “single mom” for that much longer, because honestly, I was kind of liking the idea of Chuck being home for the winter. I pray that Chuck can handle being away from his family. I pray that this is the answer to my recent discontent. I thank God that I have the husband that I do and that we have the same vision. That I can depend on him to support our family and he can depend on me to take care of everything else. I thank God for his mercy and grace in our dumb, misguided decisions in the past.

I send my prayers up in smoke signals, (some times mushroom-cloud-sized) knowing that they are being heard, interpreted and answered!