Deepest darkest place of my heart

I'm sure everyone has that place in their heart that is like the unreachable floor of an undiscovered lake. A place that no one else can reach, even with the brightest light. A dark and murky place filled with terrifying creatures lurking and waiting for the opportune moment to devour you, soul and all. A place that consumes you once you fall there, sucking you in like quick sand. A place where the blackness overcomes all happiness.

I didn't know I had that place, but I sure found it! And it was scary! I very literally felt like giving up.

I think so much happened all at once that it sent my sanity screaming for the hills! I went through a whirlwind pregnancy on my own, then moved hundreds of miles away from everything I know and love to the edge of the arctic tundra, or so it seemed with the endless cold, snow and gloomy rain. Somewhere in there I ended up with a nasty parasite that made me sicker than I have ever been in my life. The constant extreme fatigue, along with nursing a newborn and keeping up with two rowdy boys was more than I could handle. I like to think I'm a strong person, but I couldn't take it. I went into survival mode. I did the bare minimum to take care of my kids and I slept. And slept and slept. When I was awake I was mean. The smallest irritation got scathing words in return. I'm surprised my poor kids didn't run away! It was awful. I quit working out, I quit talking to friends and family for the most part, I quit baking, I quit eating in general (shocking, I know!) mostly out of necessity because I was so sick. I'm pretty sure I didn't do my hair or makeup for about a month. And most detrimental, I quit praying. Probably the biggest mistake I made but, like I said, it was a dark and scary place!

It truly was like the cliche of walking out of a cave into a bright sun shiny day when I snapped out of it. I laughed again, I ate (and ate and ate and ate!) again, I saw my kids' smiles again!

It was kind of like I was just GONE for a while. Like I walked through the door into my house after an extended leave and said "WHAT happened in here? Has no one cleaned this place in a MONTH? And why are these kids running around in their underwear?"! LOL!

It was awful, but I'm back. Back to my silly, chipper self. Thoroughly enjoying my beautiful and full of life kids, keeping up on laundry, blogging, taking pictures, Facebooking, talking to my BFF nine times a day, being a half way decent wife, and most importantly PRAYING!

And baking......yes, baking!! Stay tuned for banana bread and cheese cake pictures!