If I Had Only Known

This past year has been such a life changing one in so many ways and in so many different lives. A year ago on February 21st, I got one of the hardest phone calls I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. “Hardest” is putting it mildly. I cant even come up with a word for the heartache and despair I felt at hearing my best friend tell me “Makenna died this morning”. I’ll never forget the sound of her voice. It was strangled and tired….but calm. True to her matter-of-fact character, she spun the world upside down with a few right-to-the-point words.

Now a year has gone by. The thought of that phone call still makes my breath catch in my chest. Still gives me the panic feeling of “how do I fix it?”. Still aches in my heart in that place where only a mother can feel for another mother‘s child. I had so many fears for my friend. I was so afraid that her life was never going to be right again. That she’d never be “my” Jessica again. I pictured my best friend as a shell of a woman, heart broken, depressed and withdrawn. Lost. Gone.

Little did I know, my fears were unwarranted. I underestimated the power and tenacity of my friend and, more importantly, I underestimated the incredible power and grace of our God.

I know that Makenna has changed so many lives in her short time on earth. I think I speak for all of Jessica’s close friends when I say that our momma bear instincts kicked in HARD. We could imagine, all to clearly, how we would crumble if we were in her shoes, and did everything we knew how to do to keep her on her feet and to keep Makenna’s smile alive and well in our world.

For me personally, it has strengthened my friendship with her. While I was busy trying to figure out how to “fix” her and help make her better, she was making some changes of her own and influencing my life in a way I never imagined. In the process of helping her, I filled a hole in my own life. I went to church in California with her family and to be quite honest, the only reason I went was because I thought, “Well how do I say no to THAT invitation without looking like an idiot?”! But it sparked a fire in me that had been smoldering for so long, just waiting for me to acknowledge it and breathe some life into it. Suddenly I realized what that hole in my life was and as soon as we got home to Idaho, we found our own church and found our God.

Jessica’s own faith has been growing exponentially in this last year too. For someone I expected to become a crazy and depressed cat lady, she sure showed me that I shouldn’t jump to conclusions! That’s not to say she hasn’t had her issues. It hasn’t been an easy road for her. She wont admit it, but she has incredible strength that has carried her away from what could have been a very dark future to a more focused and happy one and, on her way, her faith has been an inspiration to me to be more like her and grow in my own faith.

As much as my own faith has been growing and getting stronger by the day, I still struggle with the “what if” questions. Apparently, I have still not got it through my head that I don’t control much in this life and that some things I just need to give up to God. That I could have done something to change things. I could have been a better friend and persuaded her to make different decisions in the past I could have called her house that morning, just to say hi like I felt like doing and interrupted the path of that day.

After I’ve gone through my “what if” list, I get to my “if I had only known” list. If I had only known, I would have visited them when Mak was born and held that sweet baby that would eventually be my own daughters namesake.

When I get over that list, I look around and see all the many, many miracles and answered prayers around me.

So tomorrow I am taking my kids to the aquarium to see the stingrays that Makenna was so fond of. Instead of it being a sad and painful day, it will be a day to reflect on the memories of a little girl, the joy I see in my best friends life, and the saving grace we are so generously and undeservingly given.