Baby Makenna

Yesterday, with tears rolling down my face, I watched my baby boy blow raspberries for the first time. I cried because one of my best friends won’t get to see anymore “firsts” from her baby girl. She doesn’t get to laugh at the silly things her baby does, she doesn’t get to watch her learn to walk and talk. I cry because a little innocent life was taken away from all of us so senselessly.

It’s hard not to imagine myself in her shoes. She tells me her story, and I picture my own babies. Every time I walk in my kitchen, I can’t help but think of the nightmarish scene she saw in her own and wonder how I could live through that horror if it were me. I imagine the phone calls she had to make to tell family and friends that the baby we all love is gone and don’t know if I’d have the strength to do it. I feel the sadness and helplessness of the situation and know that it’s not even close to the grief that that Momma’s heart is feeling.

I know that her pain and hurt is just getting started. There are still so many things that no mother should ever have to even think about that she is going to be faced with in the very near future. I know that there are a lot of people that love and care for her, and will do anything to help her, but even the power of our love can’t change what is done. Even with all of us supporting her, she still has to deal with losing one of her children. No one can take that pain from her.

I hope that I can be strong enough to be the support she needs from me. I hope that somehow I can figure out how to control my own sadness and anger to give her all the help I can. I hope she knows that she’s not alone and does not have to go through one bit of this process by herself if she doesn’t want to.

Makenna Jo, you are loved and missed.

Dear Dad,

This month marks five years since you’ve been gone. It’s strange to me how five years can sometimes seem like such a long time, and other days feel like just yesterday. How the pain and grief sometimes feels so fresh, and other times like an old memory. I knew the pain would be something I’d always have to deal with, but what I did not expect was to constantly feel frustration. I’m frustrated that there is one less person in my kids’ lives that loves them so much, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m frustrated that I lost a whole side of my extended family when I lost you. The pain of the day you died and the day of your funeral has dulled, but the frustration never goes away.

I hope you know how much I miss you. I still hear Fishing in the Dark on the radio and think about you. I look in my babies blue eyes and wonder how much of that blue came from you. I stand in the middle of my pasture at the house I bought and think about how happy you’d be for me. I hope you don’t mind that I take a drive up Logan canyon to “see” you, because I can’t bring myself to go to that cemetery since the day we buried you. I hope that you see me and my family and are proud of what I’ve done with my life. I hope that someday if I have a little girl she looks up to her dad as much as I did you.

Love you.

Vegetarian Meat Eater

Yep. That's me! I warned you. It gets a little confusing around here!

So. Here's the deal. I have two kids. I love them. I DO NOT love what getting them here did to my body. It tolerated the first baby pretty well. It stayed mad at me for a month or so, then decided not to hold it against me and morphed back to it's original shape.

Then came baby #2. Body was NOT happy. And it's holding a grudge. It's mocking me with the back fat. Laughing at me when i try to get the muffin top to look good in size 5 jeans baby-tee again.

So i'm getting revenge. NO more yummy treats for you fatty! No more rich creamy sauces, no more crispy greasy fries, no more steak and potatoes every night. And Dear Britt, ....NO MORE 5 LAYER BURRITOS!!!!

That's right. After much deliberation, and consultation of my resident friend/dietary expert (Thanks for the help Jess!) I've made the commitment to eat healthy. I went to the grocery store and hid my face as i bought pounds of lettuce, spinach, carrots, broccoli, garbanzo beans, and alfalfa sprouts. I dont want anyone thinking I dont eat like the deer hunting country girl that i am! Only crazy PETA-donating liberals eat this crap, right? I immediately cut out all the fat-filled meals that usually grace my dinner table and replaced it with stuff that the internet promises is good for me. And, by hell, who knew that fresh spinach, diced tomatoes, cucumbers, sprouts and green onions covered in Italian instead of my beloved ranch dressing could be GOOD!!! And to add to my complete amazement, it actually filled my belly! It was a revelation i tell ya. Even my three year old got in on the game. He thinks it's GREAT fun to eat "leaves" and that funny looking grass stuff!

My husband, on the other hand, hasn't quite subscribed to my recent crazy-ness. He knows better than to argue with me about my fat. So he carefully weighs his options. For now, i'm pretty sure he's come to the conclusion that it's better to pick what he can from the meals i make and keep his mouth shut than to ask what is REALLY for dinner! Smart move on his part. Sometimes, i think the man actually has a brain in his head! And, honestly, it really is not going to hurt him to go along with this plan of mine.

The greatest part about all this is, it's actually WORKING! The baby belly isn't looking so flabby the past few days, which makes my size five jeans MUCH happier! The zipper was starting to complain!

Here's my beef though. (Ironic choice of words, eh?). I want to find more recipes that are vegetarian because they are more healthy in general. But all the sites i find, and all the recipes i find always concentrate on crazy ingredients from foreign countries. This country girl likes down home cookin'. Not things you would find on a Thai restaurant menu that I cant pronounce. I dont want strange seasonings. I dont want funky looking stuff pretty much seem fake. I do actually want to keep eating my chicken and deer meat! They tell me it's good for me.

So i'm working on adapting my current favorite recipes into not-so-artery-clogging meals. And i refuse to admit how many cupcakes have mysteriously disappeared, and how much spinach artichoke dip is gone. I'm pretty sure that was the fat girl in me eating that stuff in my sleep!

It's all about me!

I'm starting a new blog for ME. I'm a mom, a wife, a secretary. I'm everything to everyone. But the one thing i've forgotten that i am? CRYSTAL! Just Crystal. Me. So this is going to be all about the thoughts in my head and the things that i do and the dreams and wishes that i have that (for the most part) are kinda selfish. It will probably sound a lot like ranting, and a little like complaining. But it's my blog and i'll write what i want! (Can you see me sticking my tongue out? Because i am. Not sure who it's directed at, but i feel better!)

I've always been able to express myself better when i can write it all out. I think i have a defect that doesn't let complete thoughts reach my mouth. Most of them get lost somewhere between my brain and saying it out loud, so i usually sound like i'm either crazy or full of crap.

Maybe i am.

You decide!