I’ve been struggling with religion and faith since I can remember. In fact, i'm pretty sure that's what my very first post on my other blog was about! I wasn’t raised religious. Not atheist necessarily. I think agnostic describes it better. I’ve never denied that God is real, just never really felt there was any solid “proof”. I’ve always believed in angels, just because I want to but I also have the “Darwin vs. Adam and Eve” conflict going on in my head. Kind of a skeptic I guess. Growing up in Utah like I did, religion was always around. It was kind of hard to miss! So my skepticism was tested on a regular basis. In junior high I had one great friend in particular that shared her faith with me. Although I don’t belong to the LDS church, she and her family were a huge inspiration to me and I always felt something special in their house. The “spirit” I suppose. They have a closeness that I want for my own family that is deeply rooted in their faith. But even with the pull I’ve always felt to learn more about faith and the examples I’ve had in my life, I still never pursued it.
But every once in a while, something big happens. A sequence of events in a short amount of time changes your life and you find what has been missing. For me, it started with my dad’s death. He is my angel. And you can’t have angels without God, right? He got the ball rolling, I guess you could say. Then came a couple of miracle babies in our lives, some struggles that always seemed to work themselves out, and rock bottom in my marriage.
Then we lost baby Makenna. Everyone keeps saying that she came into our lives and left us so soon for a reason. I didn’t realize at first how personal that reason would be for me. That sweet girl was here to change the world, and to pull me closer to God. In the process of trying to understand why she is gone, and why her family has to hurt so bad I came up with a theory. Makenna HAS to be in heaven. There is NO WAY that a baby is taken from us like this with no plan, no reason and no purpose. Even if I had no other reason to believe in God, this is enough for me. I don’t understand it, and I don’t know if I ever really will. But there IS a God and he gave Mak to my best friend, and then took her away to show me that. When I went to California this month, I went to church with Jess and her family. It inspired me to find a church here at home. And we did. Yesterday was the first time we went to church as a family. And it feels really good. I don’t know that we would have made the move if I never had a reason to go to CA and end up at church.
Among all the other little inspirations Jess’ family has brought into my life, from gun safety to letting my kids pet stingray’s, I think opening up the door to faith is the most important thing Makenna has done for me. And hopefully, someday I get to thank her personally!
